I've really done well not to cry since the miscarriage over a year ago. Every time I start to feel emotional I do my best to simply change the subject. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that this Tuesday during class.
In my nursing assessment class on Tuesday we went over the male and female genitourinary systems, as well as the anus, rectum, and prostate. When we got to the female genitourinary system the teacher lingered a bit on infertility. She shared a story of one of her friends who sounds exactly like me. Her friend had struggled for numerous years trying to have children and went through IVF twice only to miscarry every child at around 4-6 weeks. Of course, I had to ask if they ever told her why she miscarries that early and she said "no". Well she kept talking about her friend and then about how so many people don't deserve kids and her friend does and I just lost it.
I lost it, right there in front of my 30+ class mates. I'm really hoping that only my teacher noticed since she makes eye contact with me during every class. But, I'm sure some of my class mates did as well. I almost couldn't contain it. I did keep myself from audibly crying, with the exception of the sniffles. At one point, I almost decided to walk out so I could get it out of my system but I sit in the middle of the class and everyone would see why I was leaving. So, I stayed in class and listened to the infertility lecture for a good 15 minutes.
Like I've said in previous posts, infertility isn't something people just get over. It stays with you for the rest of your life. You can decide to move on, and for the most part that will work, but occasionally it will creep up and punch you in the face.
Please continue to pray for me and my husband. He says it doesn't hit him bad but he does think about it from time to time. I'm the opposite and really battle with emotional stability at times from it. We just need peace and comfort to fill our lives. Thank you!
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Side note here: I've been in pain for the past week again. It's my left ovary and what's remaining of the tube. Last night it made me super lightheaded for about 2 hours straight. I'm not lightheaded this morning so hopefully it's getting better. I haven't gone to the doctors because they'll just tell me it should calm down in a few weeks. Plus, I don't want that one lady to tell me to have a hysterectomy again. Anyway, please pray that it calms down soon.
Oh, goodness. I could never imagine having to sit through that. It sounds like the professor was sympathetic enough about her friend's situation to at least discuss is politely. I don't think anyone expects you to ever "get over" your reproductive history and infertility. It's something that will continue to affect you through life. Lots of things you encounter will remind you of it; and that's awful. I'm sorry you broke down. I know you said you would specialize in a different area, but if you ever encounter women while nursing that have had a similar experience, you will have a lot to share. Only those who have experienced it can fully understand. I don't want you to have a full hysterectomy either. :(
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