As you can imagine, this was extremely difficult for us to accept. We've miscarried before but at that time we still had hope. We thought if we could get pregnant once we could get pregnant again. We didn't know then what we do know now. We didn't know that my egg reserve is incredibly low. We didn't know that because of my endometriosis, my tubes actually kill my eggs before they make it to the uterus. Also, at that time I had two tubes and now I only have one. For our first miscarriage, we were told that our odds of pregnancy were as normal as everyone else's odds. For this miscarriage, we know that we have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own. This makes this miscarriage so much more difficult to bare.
I'll be honest, Monday night I couldn't get to sleep for the longest time. I wept and hyperventilated until I eventually passed out from exertion. I felt absolutely hopeless and lost. I've never felt this hopeless before in my entire life and it was so overwhelming. I hate to admit it, but I had to ask for something to help me through it. I couldn't stand that overwhelming feeling of hopelessness any longer.
As a Christian, it is extremely difficult for me to admit to having the need for anti-depressants. I've always gone to God for strength to make it through my difficult times and I've always made it through them. On Monday night, the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness was so very strong. I couldn't think of anything but our loss and the thought of never having children of our own. I kept telling myself to think of the good in our lives. We have so much good in our lives too! But at that moment, I couldn't get my mind off of the hopelessness for even a second. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like it would be better to die at that moment then to experience the hopelessness I was feeling. I just thank God that he eventually put me to sleep.
My doctor was extremely understanding and called my order in within hours of my phone call. She called in an anti-depressant and sleep medicine. The combination allowed me to sleep each night this past week, and get through work. By Friday I was feeling like I could stop taking the medicine so I did. I didn't take the sleep medicine that night and was able to fall asleep just fine. Yesterday and today I haven't taken either medicine. I've had a couple of moments of tears this weekend but nothing like I experienced on Monday night.
As much as Satan has tried to get me to pull away from God, I can honestly say it hasn't worked. He's taken finances and our dreams of having a family of our own away from me and yet I still believe.
I feel a bit like Job from the Bible... Satan bet God that he could tear Job away from God and God gave him the go ahead to try, as long as Satan didn't kill Job. Yep, I feel like that is happening to me. I'm not saying it is happening to me but I feel like it right now. But I still have hope and faith in God! I may never get my reward for being faithful until I go to heaven but I know He will reward me. And if my only reward is to spend eternity in heaven with Him, that'll be enough!
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Because I know that many will ask, as so many have already asked, I will answer the question right now. We are not 100% decided on whether or not we will try again.
(1) We cannot imagine spending another $16,000 for 1 embryo. Even if we did decide to do that, we'd have to do it very soon as my egg producing days are nearing the end.
(2) We still have the option to spend $13,000-$16,000 and buy donated eggs. The children wouldn't be biologically mine but I'd be able to carry them and raise them as my own. I can handle this as I've always been up for adoption anyway. I'd be happy as long as I can call the child my own, raise them as my own and love them as my own. However, Kyle has never been up for adoption. Though he's more up for this option than the adoption option as it would be his child.
(3) My sisters have offered their eggs, and surrogacy if needed. The egg donation is also an option. It would also cost $13,000-$16,000. But, this would have to be seriously discussed between all parties involved. It's a serious situation. They'd have to fully understand that they'd be signing away rights to those eggs. The children would not be theirs. And we are very close so they'd be stuck seeing their biological child being raised by someone else. - Grace is pregnant right now so it would be 10 months, or so, before she could donate eggs. Plus, I'm not sure she can breast feed while she is on the medicine required to produce multiple eggs. I'm not sure she'd be up for that. - Faith isn't pregnant so she could do it. But I'd be asking her to make a 12 hour drive, 6 hours each way, every three days for the ultrasounds she'd have to do. - There's so more to be considered too but, for now, I'll leave it at that.
(4) Lastly, we could adopt. This also costs anywhere between $10,000 - $20,000. The child would be neither of ours and as I've mentioned before, Kyle isn't very fond of this idea. It's not that he doesn't like adoption. It's just that he really wants a child of our own blood to carry on his name and bloodline.
For right now, it's just too soon to decide. The miscarriage is still too fresh to seriously sit down with anyone and make plans. Plus, we broke the bank, borrowed from everyone we could and received all the donations I would think possible for the first round of IVF. I can't imagine where we'd get the money for another round of IVF. Maybe come May, we could get a loan for it as we will be 2 years out of the bankruptcy at that time. Who knows though? They may still deny us a loan at that time.
All I can say for now is that we are not giving up hope. We are just going to take some time to recover before making any plans and then we will see what option will work based on the feedback we get from all aforementioned parties.
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As always, continue to keep us in your prayers. Recovery, Hope and Peace!
Thank you!
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